An Assortment of Stories

Hello Journal 4
Damion's Journal 4rth

Day/night inside so I can’t really tell, outside kinda cold out on this wall thing/embutment

I have to speak very quietly and in hushed tones, so here I am on guard duty with the bandits which I am supposed to kill but I am now a member of. I probably will still kill them, however now it looks like a very lucrative outpost here. It will be mine. All of it. But I found an ex river rat. Wonder if I can convince him to join with me in a completely platonic way. Seriously I like boobs. Journal you are a son of a bitch. FRAhajalalala is right , I like a woman , a lot And women like me because of little Damion, which is technically a lie when women gasp and say…..any ways that a really shinny dagger on that sleeping tool bag that couldn’t take the hooch.

That seemed to work. He’s passed out now and I think I got the messages to weirdy one and weirdy two. I don’t know maybe they can read maybe they can’t I don’t know.

Oh journal, did I tell you how I got in here….? What I did was beat the living nine hells outta Orcy who was pretending to be a farmer. Then I cut him and bound and gagged him with that dumb ragging Thork guy underwear. It was glorious. I felt really bad though for doing that, kinda because orcy is such a nice……orcy. Oh well I will make him a salty jerky sandwich pot pie.

He will like it so much. But I will try to figure out what I can do to either take over the castle and then get both monies from this place and the farmers, I mean I could rule them as their king. I don’t know if FRahajalalal will like it because it might cause issue with her quote un quote “bitches”/women/whores/persons that have sex with her because she has breast and handles a shaft of an Ax well.

Weirdy one is burning things more often and I hope orcy is good he will be good. And Journal one more thing…… I’m a friggen Bard stars from Mars…………..WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNING.

Hello Journal 3
Damion's Journal

Hello Journal

Day sunny/rain/snow/dandruff?

Journal Journal so much to tell you. I found beet pies! This is marvelous! Their is a decrepit old woman/hag/elder in this dumpy little ho-bunk that actually makes them. This is great now i can cleanse my body even further. This old remedy will keep my body purified from poisons that I keep ingesting.

_*Day/night/fuzzy bunny*
So Anyway journal I came across more bandit tracks today and actually found a few of them. There were three plus additional ones. They seem incredible dumb and thus probably smell. I would have killed them but the numbers figured against me and I really don’t want to have to pay some god man to regrow my foot again. That was incredibly annoying. They did mention something about the leader of the bandits having a missing daughters this information might prove useful in the future events. Wonder if she is attractive or if she will want to breed with me as Free-jam keeps wanting to through her abusing me. Which has seemed to grow since I woke up after being unconscious with Orcy. I think orcy tried to rape me. I do not want to be raped by orcy. That will be delt with in due time.

Day something something something

Journal I am so cleaver. I decided to perform some test to see if my companions where worth anything. Weirdie 1 is building a wall, so i scanned it and seemed that the right bulwarks where off by about 9 degrees to the left followed by low compaction of crushed stone underneath the base of the southern front. His notes must not be right, compared to the cities well craft walls but hey what are you going to do when you don’t have artisan stone workers. Maybe if a few of the farmers die in the construction we can push the bodies underneath to keep it from sinking in the mud at a slower rate. Just a thought.

Then I tested the fighting skills of the Drunken Amazon/nympho/big boobs. These were practical testings, what i did Journal was disguised my self cleverly with a mask so no one knew it was me and began to randomly stab people!. This was so brilliant because not only would it test the combat skills of the FREE-Jams Freedom Fighters, but would also test the healing skills of Weirdie 2’s little band-aids-n-training! I was double dipping! And it was proper double dipping not like that one time with Maric and Telia in the shadow fang Inn and those 4 whores and that bard and the Tiger lady with the 3 gallons of Jam and the dragon-breath ale. All was going well unill i found someone like Orcy…. he proved formible. Indeed FREE-jam has train them well. Maybe too well.

Orcy was being orcy. But his booze industry and Free-jams growing brothel has givin me some ideas. Yes. I must send word of this to the guild. But journal don’t worry, I have high hopes for this ho-bunk village. Maybe we can make it grow and the people won’t smell as bad.

Night/Beet pie

So i was recovering from the stabbing party a wench came to me and offered a pie to me. Then when I demanded that she remove her garb she did. Stupid whore. Any wench that would take her clothes of by command means she is under the influence of someone else and not me. The pie must be a lie, much like the cake was a lie with BellRoff on his 20th birthday party. Man those boys know how to joke around, and it wasn’t until Bellroff fell over dead did he realize the cake was poisoned! Such good times had at the guild, A bit rough but when Bellroff was resurrected he even laughed too! Any way i took the wench and tied her up and smeared the pie all over her body. Let the ants Violate her, servers her right to not cook the pie infront of me so that I may see her not poisoning it. It must be Free-jam. She is so into me that she is sending death gifts? She must really want to attempt to make spawn and fail at that….. OR MAYBE SHE WANTS SPAWN! Oh by the nine hells that would be horrid. LIttle drunken Free-jams running around with smaller ORcy McPuffins following them around.

And journal finally there is an elf

Hello Journal 2
Damion's Journal

Hello Journal again

So I’m a woman, based on drunk woman that has a thing for me had to say about the little girl/parasite that wants to bear apples with me and things of that nature. She talks about me a lot. Little girl gone. Good she needed to leave before I had to throw her to the rabid direr badgers and their evil god Took took to stop their blood lust.

Journal do you think the weirdos think weird. I do. O journal what am I to do? The Crazy drunk lady says my salt is for sex and say I have relationships with horses on a physical level. BUT This is not the case! Never would I. I know you would journal but You’re dirty, and I am pure. That salt keeps me that way because mother said so. “Keeps meat fresh” she would say. So since I am what the lady’s back home said “a nice piece of meat” i figured if I have salt I will stay fresh.

well setting up camp, I see a tree where I can protect everyone while we rest, that’s a good idea don’t you think Journal? No Journal your wrong I will protect these people! I won’t get money if I don’t then I can’t buy you a new face. gah journal your so inconsiderate.

Camp Night/ starry / dark/ unpleasant

They are making fun of me again journal! this time they said I had no manhood I had to show them what a MANHOOD is. They must be unsure what males look like even though wierdy I keeps walking around naked holding his after he saw mine.

OW! that wench hit me with a rock trying to knock me out so she could rape me! It must be because of my Manhood! I warned her not too throw it because i didn’t wanna have to climb the tree again. Journal I had to stab her with an arrow! O that’s what the guy said in that bar when I was 12 “You gotta stab girls with your shaft for them to really like it” So I DID I stabed her with my arrow shaft to get her to like me so she wouldn’t knock me outta the tree but then she tried to KILL ME. Journal WHAT IS GOING ON. Orcy stopped me from having to kill her because I think she drunk the blood of a raging rabid Direr buffalo or something. She cut the tree down. That was a good bed. But Orcy made it OK. I couldn’t understand anything he was saying but i just nodded my head and wanted to make Angry dire drunk/lady/mean stop bleeding. Because bleeding women tend to yell much more mother would always say then those that don’t bleed. So I gave a potion of healing to Orcy to give to Bleeding lady/ I think here name is FRUNN- JAhh/ as a way of saying sorry I made you bleed. She has a horrible way of courtship. Even cats don’t scream that much. Went to bed in the undergrowth a few clicks from main camp. Weirdo II and weirdo II came with me and watched me go to bed and then to sleep. Good way of not having to take watch. Now to close eye, watch them Journal.

Day Bright/little cloudy / with no clouds

OOOO journal

Apparently Weirdy I and weirdy II enjoy watching me. They are blueish. I think they would look good if Orcy was smushed into them making a blue green thing that would be the ultimate creature. That could fetch so much coin! I’d be rich enough to buy out a higher portion of the guild . Now that’s what im talking about…..

So we reach the village and I’m writing into you now because the smell these farmers have. It isn’t pleasant at all and I’m not going to pay attention because they are not going to burn the bandits in the big house where we could put all the crops buried beneath the soil so they wouldn’t burn.

K I’m gonna look around for tracks….. I’ll talk to you in a bit journal.

routes, pathways, and trails with marks detailing exact routes to the village are scribed in meticulous fashion throughout the next few pages

K Journal almost back to the town, OH gods how tired I’m getting. Hopefully by this time all the farmers will have fallen asleep and I can finally find myself some beets. See Journal beets contain the essence of the falcon demon Mooshi Mookie’s children in it and when you drink enough of it you can develop a resistance to evil creatures named Willowscabbers. I know you hate beet juice Journal but after a while you don’t mind the taste.

ANY way I did find some particular footprints in the northern side of the town that are show indications of boot inlay of leather with buckle fasteners, and with a distinct pattern that would one could reason they where trying to be a bit secretive. And sense I didn’t see many trade routes that way I can only speculate that this may be bandit scouts heading from the foot hills.

written in big bold font


ooo I feel so giggly now, I wonder what the others are doing. I don’t think Orcy will want to hunt them down cause it might mess up his shirt. And weirdy I and weirdy II might be more Weirdy then normal and try to be like " Hmm I wonder what these people do…har har har I’m blue" Maybe Angry Girl/ FREE JAHHH would like to cut there heads off with me, but journal you know its OK because we will get paid to do it so it must be OK……… OK?

Looks like somethings going on in the town…….I’m so tired why is there fire and why does Orcy have a hat and why there light…. Journal I’m going in!

Hello Journal
Damion's Journal

Poorly Scribbled

Day- Sunny with partly cloudy

Hello Journal

Mark tracked/found/followed to market. Handed off to Paul the fish Merchant/Guild Assassin/Fat man. Old lady came on to me…..I think she found my glasses sexy. She may want to bear children with me,you think so? I do not.

Apparently she hired me to get rid of vagrants stealing food/stuff/edibles. I told her to give it to them but she said no. I think she is a moron. Don’t you agree.

Well I got salt. I used salt. Traded salt.

Meet others old lady hired. Outsiders/weirdos/like salt, Drunk harlot/foul mouthed/has a thing for me, Pirate/poetry guy orcy/has a thing for me.

Got horse with salt. You will love this Journal, I traded the horse for another horse that was given to someone else, and the horse doesn’t belong to me. Ha.

Day- Still a bit sunny/ Overcast but not so much

Hello Journal

Killed people. With Salt. And Chains.

Saved a Girl. She is still attached to my leg as I write this. I think she wants to bear children with me.

I don’t think she can….yet. Can you not talk about that? You are sick Journal. Seriously. No. That is wrong. Drunk plated Harlot is giving me the eye while she is hurling. Orcy Is too but not with the hurling.

Session 1

The party was gathered by some peasants who want some help defending their village against bandits threatening to sack there harvest crop. Damion cleverly stole a horse and then switched it with the fruity Half orc with the puffy pirate shirt. Frigg called people pissbrains in a very drunken manner. The devae were snotty bitches and very much oblivious to the social interaction taking place around them. The bard wore a floofy shirt. They came across a little girl getting kidnapped or something by bandits. They fought the bandits, smashed some heads, threw some salt, and one or two bandits successfully ran like bitches. The little girl appears to looooooooove Damion, much to his dismay.

from the journal of Galad, Deva

We were watching the humans attempt to appease the Gods in their temple when one of them entered, acting in what I can only assume was a distressed manner. I think it was a female. Yes, that is what it was. She was obviously incapable of solving her problem, so We asked her what was the cause of her distress. Apparently these humans take things from each other, and her village was not willing to defend its belongings. (Why these humans need such things as “crops” is beyond me, but hopefully study will shed some light on this subject.) Denel agreed that it was Our duty toward these lesser beings to protect them from each other, so We decided to help her.

We met some other humans that were attempting to help these villagers also. Let me see, it’s hard to tell them apart. There was a strange one with an obsession with salt; there was another one that seemed to understand the lesser nature of humans, it called some of the other humans very interesting names (This one claimed to be a female, I do not believe it.); and lastly there was another human, this one with a green tinge to its face (Perhaps it is diseased?).

The villagers and these other humans traveled with Us towards the village, when We came across a group of humans attacking a smaller one. I lit some of them on fire, Denel called the Holy Light upon some, and the humans with us attempted to fight the attackers as well. Apparently the rescued human wants to mate with the salty one. Interesting…


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